Friday, February 1, 2013

The Journey

I am on quite a journey right now. Both my husband and I are struggling with a lot of things lately.

Last year my husband's dream of serving in the military was shattered. It was so closely within his grasp and then it was taken away. This is the second time this has happened to him. It's hard to help others understand what your heart feels when you know how deeply important something is to your love, the one you share your life with... to see how deeply crushed and shattered he was. It was devistating. But it wasn't just his crushed spirit from that being taken away.... there was so much more than just that that rocked our world

We serve a wonderful and beautiful God who provides for us. There are times in our journey that we ALL question His plans, why things happen.... no one is a SUPER Christian where they do NOT experience that at some point. We're still on the healing journey from that.

My husband has dreamed of serving in the military his entire life. He grew up in a military family and knew that is what he wanted to do his whole life. I wasn't keen on him joining the Air Force when he first brought it up to me a little after we got married. I had told him if it was a door God had left open then He would let me know and I would be in agreement with it. So then he told me he wanted to be a police officer. I said no way. But I felt God speak to me one night while I was doing my quiet time. He spoke to me through Psalm 91 and said that my husband was not mine, I needed to trust Him to take care of what was His... it was time for me to let my fears go and give my husband back to Him. He would take care of Brent. At that time I had peace and we started the process to get him into police academy. For a year and a half he was unemployed and we lived off of what I made at my job. It was far from easy, but God provided and we kept on but it just seemed like the police academy door just kept slamming shut in our faces but we kept on trying. In November of 2011 I was let go from my job and now both of us were unemployed. YIKES! It was a very scary stressful time but my husband ended up getting a job with Target for seasonal work and we started discussing him joining the Air Force again. I felt peace in my spirit so we started the process of signing up with a recruiter. Finally things were finalized and we were just waiting for the day he would depart for boot camp.

In February of 2012 we found out I was pregnant. Oh what joy we felt! We were even more excited because the timing just felt God appointed. I was due in October, Brent was to leave in May for boot camp and would get back from tech school the end of September. He would be making good money and we could afford where our life was going. He would be home in time for the baby's birth. So we went along with life as it went by. We set things into motion before he left. We found out we were blessed with a little girl and set up with the apartment complex to move out by the end of July when our lease was up. I would live with my parents until Brent got back from boot camp and we would look for a house when he returned.

May 15th came and it was time for me to send off my husband to boot camp in Texas. That was one of the hardest days of my life. Cody (our pup) and I moved into the computer/guest room at my parents house that day. I got MAYBE one phonecall a week from Brent while he was in boot camp. Waiting for those phone calls felt like eternity.

The first phone call home after his first week on base was not good news. He may be discharged for a previous health condition because MEPS didn't send him to get the proper paper work. He was taken out of his Flight and placed in Medical hold. He was in medical hold for two or three weeks before he was sent home. It was so hard. The phone calls in those times were wonderful because I got to hear from him but they were devistating too. He was so broken. This wonderful man that I sent off to Texas was now shattered. He didn't even seem to be the same man I sent away. I was optomistic though. I knew God had something special in store. I will admit, I was nervous at times as to what we were going to do when he got home but I still felt like God had something fantastic up His sleeve... that it would all be ok.

But Brent came home and soon after Satan started eating away at my soul. I had pushed Brent to go for police academy and it never happened... and then I supported and pushed him to sign up for the Air Force... sure that this was the direction God was sending him. That this was what God created him for. He had placed this passion in Brent... SURELY this was right.... but if it had been God's plan then WHY was he sent home? Maybe I didn't  hear God's voice. Maybe I have never heard Him.... maybe everything I was so sure of, all the things I was sure that I had heard from God really weren't Him but just me. I started to doubt everything. I didn't want to spend time with Him anymore because I was so confused. I wasn't sure if I was actually hearing from Him. Satan attacked both my husband and I. We both questioned our worth. We questioned WHY.
Brent came home mid-June and God sent someone to encourage me. It was a hard place to come back from, but I worked on trusting God AND myself again. We moved out of our apartment, put our things in storage and moved into my parents house. Then Alexa Grace came in October (our pride and joy.... oh we love her so!) It's a hard transition, living in a room so small for three humans and a dog. I'm constantly frustrated when I trip over things or its hard to keep such a small space organized. There isn't much room here... or privacy. We live across the hall from my parents. Our entire way of life has changed. We never cook or eat at home like we love doing... we always eat out (mainly just to get me out of the house since I'm here all week long except for the days Brent is off). There are a lot of things that are stressful about not having our own place. We question God about why we feel stuck in this place.

There are things we know we need to work on discipline wise while we are here. Every time we try to do something on our own it always falls through and it gets mighty discouraging. Recently we made plans to move out but it was going to be ridiculously tight. Well, needless to say God had other plans. We just bought four brand new tires for our car, we need an oil change and our alignment is wonky (which lead to us needing the new tires). Needless to say, we aren't moving anytime soon. I think we have both accepted this knowledge. We have discussed staying where we are at least until we get the car paid off sometime next spring/summer. Sometimes it is best to stay where you are even if its not where you want to be because God's plan is so much better. I can't fully see His plan but we are working to make the best of it. He has work for us to do here if we are open to being used and learning what He has to teach us we will be much happier than if we keep fighting it to do our own thing. I want to be obedient to God. There are a lot of benefits to us staying where we are. I am going to work on getting my own business started up and established... much easier to do here where I have the help and financially easier too since moving out would get rid of any wiggle room I could use on that business. Whatever season you are in at this time in life, you may or may not see where God is taking you, but if you go along for the ride I guarantee that you will end up where you want to be in better circumstances. It will not be easy but it will be easier than trying to do things in your own timing. Just because I am encouraging being content where you are doesn't mean I support giving up all together. Make plans for the future, settle in for now and make goals so you can get to that spot you want to be at. Just make them reasonable and make sure you follow God's direction. Things go smoother that way. Also, don't be discouraged that you have moments of frustration or doubt for where you are or the season you are in. It doesn't make you less Christian it just makes you human.